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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Dirty Mouth

Had a surreal experience yesterday. I was driving home from the grocery store and I decided to browse through the XM channels to see what I was missing by only listening to the same 3 or 4 stations. This is what I was missing (paraphrased for lack of perfect memory):

Oh, Martha! I can't believe I'm talking to Martha Stewart!

Hi. Thank you. What is your question for me today?

It's about pussy willows.


Yes. I got some pussy willows, but I don't think I took care of them right.

Were the pussies soft and gray?


And how did you take care of them?

Well, I tried to cut the shaft and put them in water, but they weren't green.

No. They wouldn't be. To keep the pussies soft like that, they cut them early and let them dry. There would be no use in cutting them and putting them in water.

Oh, so that's why the shaft was woody when I cut it?


I swear. I am not making this up. What blew my mind was that neither of these women sounded like they were laughing so hard they were peeing their pants. I also had no one in the car to sanity check this with.

Reed? Sofia? Are you getting this? was oddly unsatisfying...

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Monday, March 4, 2013


Sofia talks a blue streak. The only problem is, her annunciation is not spectacular. As a result, the same sounding word could mean 3 or 4 different things. I usually have to check to see what she's looking at or pointing to to figure it out completely. Take the following words as example:

1. Da-dee
     a. Daddy, as in Scott
     b. Doggie, as in Cooper, dogs in books, dogs on our walk, etc.
     c. Any random man. All are Daddies.
     d. Dirty. As in my hands where I colored myself.
     e. Pen. Because I make my hands dirty when I color with pen. All pens in our house are     
                 now known as dirties.
     f. Dolly. 

2. Boy
     a. Boy, as in Reed. This is what he is called now. Fif has changed his name.
     b. Boy. All boys in public are pointed out as Boy. Unless of course there is more than 
                 one, then the plural of boy is boyo, boyo, boyo, boyo.
     c. Girl. All girls are also boys. This pisses off pretty much every 3 year old girl we come in 
                 contact with.
     d. Boogie. This one is said like this: Boy! Da-dee! (sign language for help), meaning - My 
                 boogies are getting out of control and I'm now getting dangerously dirty. Do     
                 something about this!

3. Huht
     a. Hurt. As in I am hurt from where Boy hit me over the head with a Da-dee (dolly).
     b. Heart. As in what all Valentine balloons were shaped like, which made shopping a 
                   challenge. Huht! Ba-oon! 
                   Yes, that's a heart balloon. 
                   Yes, that's another heart balloon. 
                   And so on, and so forth...

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