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Friday, July 29, 2011

Can I Get A Side of Drama With That, Please?

(tone of shock and betrayal tinged with whine) Mommy! You didn't give me a big hamburger like you and Daddy. You usually give me a big hamburger. Why didn't you? This is the worst hamburger in the whole town.

I know my cooking is not always up to par, but really? The worst hamburger in all of Austin? A new cooking low...

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Thursday, July 28, 2011

You Know It's Not Going To Be Good...

You know it's not going to be good when you open the front cover of your child's bedtime story and find an illustration of a bird, belly up, with Xs where its eyes should be.

You know it's not going to be good when the little boy in the story asks his Daddy why the bird died and the Daddy takes a big breath before saying that that's what happens when things get old.

You know it's not going to be good when you reflect back on the title - Caillou Learns About Getting Older - and then quickly flip through the book to see that Caillou asks various family members about getting older.

You know it's not going to be good after you catch a glimpse of Caillou crying about everyone getting older because he has put two and two together. Damn that Caillou!

You know it's not going to be good to read this to your child who was convinced your babies would be born blind after you read her a preschool version of Helen Keller.

So, you thank your lucky stars that you are a fast skimmer and a quick catcher-on-er, at least since the Great Helen Keller Debacle of 2011 and you drop that book like a hotcake.

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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Girlie Girl Through and Through

Mommy, what if I was locked up in a dungeon?

I would come and save you!

But what if the door was locked?

I would get a battering ram and come and knock the door down. I would keep trying until I saved you!

Because parents protect their children?

That's right!

But what if I was wearing a blue princess gown with long sleeves with pearls on the end and my hair was in a beautiful bun and I had blue shoes with heels to match my dress and I had a tiara that sparkled in my golden hair?

Uh... I guess I would save you anyway?

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Puppy Love

Ana was playing chase with a little boy in her school gym last week. As she ran by me, she paused to tell me "I'm not going to say that I want to kiss him".

Apparently what she took from the You-don't-need-to-think-about-dating-or-marrying-until-you-are-much-much-older-lesson was that she just shouldn't say those things out loud. Luckily she has yet to filter herself where I'm concerned, so I still get a peek at that funny little mind.

Daddy, lock up your daughter!

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Monday, July 25, 2011

Daddy & Daughter Date Night

I went out of town a couple of weekends ago so Daddy planned a special date night with Ana. She ADORES Cheesecake Factory because the one by us has a gold dome and "fancy" decorations, so that was where they planned to go. Daddy even promised to "dress up," which means wearing a tie. He didn't think to mention his shirt choice, so Ana was taken by surprise:

Whoa, Daddy! That's a really fancy long-shirt! Whoo-ee!

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Just A Tip...

If you decide to extricate your underwear from a place that it shouldn't have gotten itself into, try to remember that the wall behind you at your daughter's swim class is actually made of glass, and that there are about 20 parents sitting there staring straight ahead at the pool.

Just a tip...

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Friday, July 22, 2011

Best Thing Ever

Yesterday Ana said about the absolute best thing anyone has ever said to me:

Mommy? I just can't stop loving you so much.

And I didn't even have to pay her...

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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ummm... Happy Birthday, Daddy?

Daddy got a unique birthday present this year. I asked Ana what she would like to give Daddy as her present to him and she had a very definite answer.

In hindsight, it might have been a good idea to take her to a store and present her with a couple of options of things that Daddy would have liked, but in the end, who can resist a present from their little girl, picked out entirely by her?

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Ana had a lot to say about an incident that happened at a birthday party on Monday. We were at an inflatable bouncy place and a little girl must have thrown her arms over her head on the way down a very fast slide. At least that is the explanation I can come up with for why she suddenly found herself shirtless.

We shouldn't show our privacies in public! What did the people think?

I don't know, Honey. What did you think?

Ooooooh, nakee!!!! Put your shirt back on, Girl!!!

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Monday, July 18, 2011

I Miss You Too...

I went out of town for a girls' weekend this past weekend. The first night it was fun to call home and to hear Ana's little pumpkin voice over the phone.

Mommy, can I come with you sometime? It could be just us, the girls.

I called in the next day, looking forward to the same lovey conversation, only to get this:

Mom. Why do you keep calling me?

Point taken.

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Friday, July 15, 2011

We're Moving

Ana, look at that house. It's a mansion.

Oh! It's like a castle. How much money did it cost? Like this much? (holding up both hands)

No... a lot more than that. Lots and lots. To live in a castle Daddy would have to work and work and never sleep and never come home. (plus we'd have to start playing the lottery)

That would be okay. I could just call him on the phone at work. I wouldn't mind.

Do you hear that, Daddy? We'll be calling you later to say goodnight; but don't you sleep...

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Checkin' Out The Goods

Yesterday Ana went to a "Princess Event" with some of her little buddies. The girls were encouraged to dress up and at the event they made tiaras, heard a story, and ate little princess cupcakes and drank pink juice.

The star of the show was Rapunzel, a probably college-aged girl who was wearing a grown-up sized Rapunzel gown and a wig. My girl, ever the eye for details, had to check her out from head to toe.

Mom. I'm gonna go see what kind of shoes she has on under there.

Mom. She only has flip-flops. Why does she only have flip-flops? Those are not fancy!

Rapunzel, why do you only wear flip-flops?

Rapunzel: Lifting her dress... See, they have sparklies on them. I wear these in the summertime because it's so hot.

Oh. Okay. So, your hair. Is that a wig or what?

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Can I Take That Back?

Another to file in the Don't Say to a Pregnant Lady category:

Scott: Does anybody still tell you that you look small for twins?

Alison: Someone said that again last Friday.

Scott: I really think it's because you hide it well in your shirts. It must be how you're carrying because I saw you in the shower last night and I was like (insert graphic of Scott with his mouth wide open).

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Parking Problems

Me: Ugh. That lady just took the parking spot I was waiting for. Rude!

Ana: Mo-om, you can be flexible. Just look for another place.

Me: Thanks, Ana. I forgot to be 34.

Ana: That's okay. I did it for you.

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Things Are Heating Up

You know it's time to move to a different spot in the pool when you overhear the following conversation:

Sister to brother: It's cold!

Brother: Yeah, the water is cold, but if you tee-tee then it gets warm.

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Friday, July 8, 2011

Whoa Baby!

Last night was an experience and a half! Scott and I went to a breastfeeding class for future parents of twins. We had been assured that almost everyone would bring her spouse or at least a support person, but it turned out that Scott was the only guy in the room. This is a problem for a guy that can't hide what he's thinking - that can't laugh on the inside without turning beet red and snorting on the outside. And there were lots of reasons to snort and turn beet red...

Scott's put together exterior first started to crack when the instructor whipped two baby dolls up to her chest to demonstrate some of the positions that could be used with twins, complete with baby suckling noises. His resolve took a further nose dive when one classmate discussed how her breasts hang very low when her milk comes in. And he actually had to turn away when each of us was handed our own two dolls so there were 5 women at the same time with creepy looking dolls stuck to their chests.

God love him for making it through the whole thing while sitting next to one very freaked out wife... who had to put her swollen ankles up on his lap, naturally.

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Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Best Playdate Ev-er...

My Lady is petrified of sharing her things. We have progressed past her belief that if she shares something, one of her friends will permanently claim it and take it home to I just don't like that yucky feeling that comes with sharing. She has absolutely no problem going to someone else's house, though, and sharing all of their toys, snacks, dress up, etc.

We've been talking a lot about inviting people to our house so that her friends can play here too and she finally is buying in to the reasons behind it, getting excited even. Not sure anyone will want to come over, though:

It will be fun! All of my friends can come! Before they come we can tie a string around my closet so they can't go in and play with my dress-up. We can lock my door and put a sign on it that says No Going In! We can put the special snacks in the drawer and lock it up. They will have fun!

Maybe I'm missing something, but I can't quite figure out how.

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole Thing

Another for the list of pregnant person identifiers...

You might be pregnant if you find yourself a part of the following conversation:

Scott: What's that bag of food next to you?

Me: Corn.

Scott: What are you doing with it?

Me: I ate it.

Scott: You ate it? As in ate the whole thing?

Me: (wailing tone of voice) I ate the whole thi-ng! I can't believe I ate the whole thi-ng!

Scott: What was in there?

Me: 8 halves of foil wrapped corn.

Scott: Holy crap. I'm getting the camera.

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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sweet Tooth

Fourth of July is a great day for anyone like Ana, whose every other tooth is a sweet tooth. We went to a get together at Nana and Papa Bear's, otherwise known as the house of the never ending ice cream sandwiches. Ana got a mini sandwich because up until then she had had 3 pieces of candy, a cookie, and a Jim-Jims water ice. Never enough for our sugar baby, she tried to work another one out of me:

Mom, can you come sit with me on the stairs and have a little talk?

Um... yes....

Mom, sometimes Papa Bear gives me two ice cream sandwiches and not just one.

Well, one is enough for you today. You've already had a lot of desserts to eat.

Oh. Okay.

She sidled up next to me, rested her head on my shoulder, and I could not believe my good fortune, that that was the end of it. Until....

Mom, do you smell my toot?

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Monday, July 4, 2011

Colonel Sanders

Last night we picked up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store for dinner. Here was the highly appetizing conversation we had while we ate:

Mom, is this dead chicken or what?

Yes, it is for us to eat from the store.

Yes, but is it dead?

I certainly hope so.

But how did it get dead? Did they put it in a pot and take out its feathers?

No. To be honest I'm not sure how it became dead. I know that on a small farm they chop the chicken's head off in one cut so that the chicken is dead right away.

Oh. Did they cut this chicken's head off?

I don't know, Baby.

But how did he get to where they deaded him?

Well, he was born from an egg, then they fed him until he was bigger, and then they killed him so that people could eat him.


By this point I was no longer touching my food and felt like busting out my checkbook in support of some chicken's rights group. I had the irrational thought that I should close the blinds so that no one could see my murderous meal.

Ana, surprisingly, was undeterred. She ate every last bite.

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Friday, July 1, 2011

When Poop Happens

Yesterday was not a good day in our house for anyone that wanted to avoid anything poopy. Sometimes the shit just runs downhill and, lucky me, I am often the hill.

We started off with a pool playdate. I knew we were in trouble when Ana popped out of the pool, holding her rear, and speaking with a desperate tone of voice - Mommy! I need to go, NOW!

We abandoned one of the flip-flops and made it in time. Or so I thought. I was allowed a few moments of mistaken bliss because Ana likes to use her own stall now.

I'm done! The poop wanted to get on my bathing suit a little bit, but that's okay.

No. No, that's really not okay. You're not in trouble, but let me in so I can help you out.

Poop suit. Poop shoe. Smooshed poop pile on the floor. Got the poop off the floor. Cleaned the shoe and bathing suit off with lots of soap and water.

It was while I was cleaning the suit and shoe that I noticed the smell was not getting better. That's because somehow I had gotten a glob of poop on my shoe and on my foot. Sigh.

Cleaned up my shoe. Cleaned up my foot. Rest of the afternoon went on without incident.

Fast forward to post-dinner/pre-bedtime. We hear a little voice from the bathroom:

That's okay. Sometimes that happens to kids. Sometimes kids poop in their panties without meaning it.

Apparently my Lovely was having a day of intestinal distress. Because Daddy made a dinner of tortillas and refried beans, I was the hill that this particular poop landed at the bottom of. Poop clean up, take 2.

To add to my list of things I never thought I would say:

Ana. Clasp your hands together and leave them like that. I'm serious. I'M SERIOUS. Now you just got poop cheeks. Great! Now we have a poop wall! KEEP YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.

The little poopster is now safely and cleanly tucked in bed. Let's hope this was a one-day kind of deal. I'm not sure I want to sign up for this one again!

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