Nothing Against Mexico...

Ana was a bit peeved at me this morning and her tone showed it.

"Ana, are you talking ugly to Mommy?" Daddy asked her.

No, I was just talking Spanish.

Random Inaccuracies

WISHKNOWN

Here is the proper procedure for using a wish bone. If you do not follow this you will be chastised, as I was. Soundly.

1. pick the side you want
2. change your mind, three times
3. accuse the other person of stealing your side
4. refuse to make a wish because "that is not how it works"
5. pull the wishbone
6. trade sides again
7. now make your wish - out loud - for 2 minutes straight - listing everything you ever wanted
8. inform everyone that you will get all of these things on your birthday because you told the "wishknown" (sic)


CHASE

Here is the proper procedure for playing chase:

1. Run behind Daddy all around the house yelling, "I'm the winner!"
2. Try it at the park with a little girl. Refuse her explanation of how to actually play chase by telling her, "No, that's not what you do! You'd better run you girl!"


NATURE

1. Watch the movie Oceans
2. Add commentary like "Oh, that's kind! That big fish let the little fish ride in his mouth!"

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Given Her That Cupcake...

Stressed Out

The last two days have been filled with running around, hitting multiple doctor's appointments, and taking care of lots of errands. Apparently my rising stress level did not escape Miss Observant:

Mom (what is she, 13???). Take a deep breath. C'mon. You're acting like a gomer.

P.S. No children were harmed in the making of this moment. Ana has never been called a gomer, nor will she ever be. I apparently will be, however. Me and Cooper, that is. That may or may not be where she got this term. She might or might not have heard me call him this. I confess to nothing.

Modesty

We have been talking quite a bit lately about modesty and privacy, especially in how they relate to not pulling our sleeves down too far on our shoulders a la Belle from Beauty in the Best because that ends up showing our "privacies".

We went to the park today and befriended a little boy. On our way out of the park, he gave her a great big hug and then a big smooch on her chest.

Ah! Mommy help! He's trying to kiss my privacies!!

Interesting

Ana picks up things like nobody's business - phrases and expressions that is, not her toys. She has lately been talking with a Texas twang and we have no idea where she has gotten that. Her new favorite is "interesting", picked up from one of her therapists. I did not know that it had so many uses:

Me: Ana, time for bed!
A: Interesting...

Coopy! You're so furry! You sweet furry thing! Interesting...

Mommy, this dinner is interesting...

Daddy, your hair is interesting...

I like my long golden hair, it's interesting.

I'm interesting, but that baby is not. She doesn't have fancy hair like me.

Anatomy Part Deux

Ana reported the following additional discovery to me:

Boys have big highnesses; but they don't want you to see their highnesses because they're stinky.

On this one I had to concur.

Rated R

This post is not for the squeamish nor the faint of heart. It is also not for young children who have yet to learn about anatomy. It is, however, too funny not to share. So, if you belong to the aforementioned categories, please go away now.


Ana is uber-observant, but for some reason our body differences have escaped her - most likely because she's not usually in the bathroom when Daddy is showering, our shower is tucked off to the side, and/or Daddy keeps his back turned if she happens to be in there playing princesses in the morning.


Yesterday morning was an exception, however. I was finishing up her hair at the mirror when Daddy turned sideways in the shower.


Hey! Look at that! Does Daddy have a big 'gina?

Uhhh.... something like that...

Disney Strikes Back

The fact that princess movies are currently banned is not stopping Ana from getting around the restrictions. I'd like to introduce you to the newest family member:

"ANASTASIA CINDERELLA POCOHONTAS BOGLE"

Hey You!

We had a fun playdate today at an outdoor park. It went *mostly* well and Ana ended up making a little girl friend at the end of the play date, instead of the little man who brought her (the fabulous Leo).

I discovered that Ana and I share something in common - we have absolutely NO talent for remembering names. The little girl she befriended was named Vivian. Vivian told Ana so at least 25 times (and I'm not exaggerating here).

Finally she gave up and answered to Gretta.

And Letta.

And Katta.

And Detta.

And Metta.

If we ever do end up adopting another child someday, I know one person who will not be asked for her input on names.

Licking

Ana is absolutely besotted with her furry "brother" Cooper (our dog). She thinks the way he rolls in the grass is hysterical. She loses it when he yawns. She goes batty for the way he barks at every-single-living-thing-that-walks-past-the-darn-house - "so cute - that silly Cooper". What she also, woefully, thinks is adorable is the way he licks.

This one was new to me. I only discovered it during a minor freak out moment when she started licking my face in the ordering line at Subway yesterday. We were disturbing to more than just me, I can pretty much guarantee you. Apparently my sigh of relief at her explanation was taken as a condoning of her new habit because she offered to share the limelight:

You can lick me too, Mommy! I will let you! You can be the doggie licking my face!

I opted instead for barbecue Baked Lays.

Busted Yet Again...

Oh, Papa Bear, have you no shame? You must remember that your grandaughter is now 3 1/2 and, as such, can now tell us everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING. Such as the following report:

Nana took me to the mall, but I couldn't come in. I was in the car with Papa Bear, but it was okay because we spit and tooted! Papa Bear could do it a lot of times! That Papa Bear!

Note To Self

Do not post anything positive re: Ana's attitude on the blog. You are only inviting the wrath of whoever thinks it is funny to test you this year. Our run of good days came to an end. Fast.

I was thinking to myself, oh, up until about 10 a.m., "I think that the 5 good days allowed me to reset myself to be extra patient and accepting without having to even try." By 10:05 I realized that it must have just been the green tea I drank that morning because there was no not-even-having-to-try about it anymore! As I read back on my statement, even I would have been tempted to throw a pie at my face.

I will say that although the day has been rocky, the recovery time between rocks has been shorter; that's progress, right? On another positive note, this was my conversation with the census taker:

CT: Can you spare 10 minutes or less?
Me: Less
CT: Okay, how about 5 minutes or less?
Me: Less (seriously, why does he ask?)
CT: (after asking questions for about 1.5 minutes, 0.5 minutes into which Ana started saying things like - I'n frustrated! I won't let you love me! I'n going to go far away!) Uhh...I'm sure that's enough! Bye!

Thanks, Ana. :-)

She Sleeps

She sleeps - my child who gave up naps 6 weeks ago. I bested you. I forced you to nap so that we could go to the Ice Capades show tonight, which starts at your new bedtime.

I was giddy at the thought of this stolen time - maybe an hour to do whatever I wanted, as long as it was quiet. I could read. I could paint my nails. I could make rug angels on the carpet.

But what am I doing? I am standing over your sleeping form, marveling at the way your chest rises and falls with each breath. I am staring at the impossible beauty of your forehead. I am being brought to tears by the perfect half moons of your fingernails.

You have made my life impossibly hard and impossibly easy, many times all at the same time. Like any mother, I sometimes wish to be transported to a place where there are no demands on me to be anything to anyone other than myself. But, how quiet would my days be without your voice. How empty would my hand be without your little one tucked inside. While my sleep would be longer, it would not be as sweet to not wake up to your face.

I will hang in there with you as whatever you need me to be while you grow through this difficult time. I am growing with you, kicking and screaming at times (me), but growing nonetheless. For this I am grateful. Drained, but grateful.

Haircut

Ana met Milena at our neighborhood park yesterday. The two girls played happily (!!!) for close to an hour and hugged like long lost friends when it was time to go.

The only problem is that Ana now swears that she must have her hair cut short like Milena's. See, Milena had a cute Shamu necklace on - it always starts with jewelry for my girl. That led to a discussion of how she got the necklace at Sea World, to which I commented that we are thinking about checking out Sea World this summer.

Somehow in Ana's 3 1/2 year old brain she became convinced that little girls are not let into Sea World unless they have Milena-length hair. I told her that all girls could go, but apparently she is the expert on the Sea World dress code because she wasn't buying it.

No! I have to look like a girl-boy so I can see the Sea World and buy the jewelry! Hey! I have a dee-a (idea)! I can cut all my hair off and then buy the things! Hey! That's a choice!

Brushing

One of Ana's therapies involves being brushed with a surgical brush and then having joint compressions 6-8 times a day. It's a long explanation as to why we are doing this, but whatever the reason, it seems to be working. I feel like alien body snatchers have come from some distant planet and replaced Shelley with my old Ana. Trust me, I'm not questioning their judgement - they can keep her. I am just thrilled to have my old child back, for as long as this run may last.

It is working so well that I feel like it might just be the next miracle cure. She is more emotionally flexible, calm, happy, and cuddly. It's been such an improvement that I've actually started giving myself a hit of the brush from time to time. Can't hurt, right?

I actually haven't noticed any changes in myself besides nice glowing skin from all of the exfoliation, but that's not too bad. Now, if it would only take off my make up at night, put on SPF lotion during the day, and floss my teeth from time to time, I'd be doing great!

Disney 1: Mommy 0

So our efforts to phase out the princesses has been met with resistance. Princess count for the day:

1 Belle dress worn
1 Sleeping Beauty dress worn
1 re-enactment of the dress ripping scene by the little plastic Cinderella and stepsisters
1 storytelling by Ana of Ana cast in the part of Ariel
1 full scale mess caused by paper cut outs of princesses (from Ana's coloring books)

However, I would like to point out that we did not have a smooching scene today, nor did we live "happily eter after".

In a true act of confession, though, Ana did tell a story of how Cooper-the-dog has fallen in love with our neighbor dog, Mia Hamm, and they smooched and got married and lived in a castle.

Sigh...

Done With Disney

We are going to try phasing out the princesses (wish us luck!). First I took issue with the fact that almost all of them had to be rescued by a prince who loved them for nothing more than their rosy cheeks or that princess shade of lipstick they picked up at the drugstore.

Then they drove me crazy with their single minded drive to find "the perfect man". What ever happened to college - or waiting until your 20s? (Yes, Sleeping Beauty, I am referring to you.)

Now I've had it with their endings - everyone gets married and rides off into the sunset. While I am all for the institution of marriage, I'm not a big fan of focusing on a big smooch and walking down the aisle - whatever happened to dating? Making sure you even like the guy? Did you check out your future mother-in-law? For pete's sake, Snow White - you went from living at home to living with 7 guys (!!!) to moving into your prince's house. Have you no shame?

The final straw was when Ana saw a young chap at the farmer's market on Saturday. She was first drawn to him by the fact that he had eaten the head off of his gingerbread cookie - the exact way Ana likes to dig into that particular treat - they had something in common. She went over to chat with him (progress, people!!!) and must have liked what she heard because she came back to me and said, I want to give him a big kiss. I want to marry him and have earrings and a dress and white gloves and glass shoes and a whale (veil)!

She's 3 1/2!!! At this point, the only males I want her kissing are her Daddy and the dog - and that's actually rather disgusting. So, for now, the princess movies will be slowly "disappearing" from our shelves and the ballet ones will be making a comeback. I doubt we will be able to kidnap the plastic "friends", but it will be a fine day when we role play Ladies and Men and Banana says, I don't give out my number. Give me yours and I'll call you if I'd like to.

Mary Poppins

You know you're getting old when you realize that you look about the same age as Mary Poppins (sadly she is no longer "Mary Muffins"). It also does nothing for your ego when your husband says, No, I think she might be even younger than you. Boy is he sorry that Father's Day falls after Mother's Day!

It does feel good, however, to have a normal lunch out like normal people, then go to the mall to exchange something like normal people, and then spend an overcast afternoon cuddling on the couch with your family watching Mary Poppins - whatever her age.

A "practically perfect" Mother's Day indeed! Hope everyone had a great one yesterday!

Bedtime Antics

My little hoser was avoiding bedtime yet again tonight. She has a real repertoire going at this point:


I need a drink!
We don't drink until morning.


I need to go potty!
You can do it in the morning.


I can't see anything in here!
You can see again in the morning.

Clearly I have honed my responses. The one that I am a sucker for every time, and the one she got me with tonight is the old Mommy, I love you routine. It goes something like this -

Caress, caress (remember I am still having to lay next to her on the floor...sigh). Mommy, I love your face.

Pat, pat. Mommy, I love your soft, soft cheeks.

Ahhh... Mommy, I love your bootiful blue eyes (this from the kid who can't see anything).

The girl knows her audience.

True Love

My lady was serenaded by a boy today.

As our 6 week seclusion draws to a close, I attempted a park playdate after therapy today. It went so well and I am still floating on a cloud!

Ana made two little friends - she clearly shows my memory for names because she is still referring to them by their shirt colors - "the purple one" and "the white (yellow) one".

Bigger to her than that, though, was that a little boy came over to sing at her.

Hey now, you're a rock star, get your gay [sic] on, whoa, whoa

She covered her ears, but her tell gave her away - she had a big grin on her face - and so did her momma.

Losing It

Okay, here is further proof that stress takes a toll on your mind. My memory, not too stellar to begin with, has reached an all time low.

Apparently, when I placed 2 - not one! - recent orders online I either a) forgot that I moved and put my old address or b) forgot my address altogether and put some random address as my shipping destination.

Whoever has my cot that will at least get Ana up off of our floor and the nice white bedskirt that I ordered, please forward it on to me. I'd give you my address, but apparently I have forgotten it...

Tomato/ Tomahto

Mirror mirror on the wall, I'm the fairest of the mall.

Mommy, can we go to the mall? I'm the fairest there.

Now, if she had said I'm the fairest of the Nordstrom's, she might have stood a chance. If she was buying, that is.

Wake Up Call

Yesterday Ana and I drove to Houston so that I could meet with a doctor today.

Always one to push my luck, I put her down for bed in a separate bedroom, as she used to sleep B.Cl. (Before Crappy Life). Wonder of wonders, it worked! The only problem was that I forgot to bring her monitor, so she couldn't call to me when she woke up. I explained that she would have to come open my door this morning when she was awake and she seemed to understand.

I should have specified how she should wake me.

Get up! Get your stinky bum downstairs!

Stand Up Comedian

My girl is funny. Most of the time she's downright hilarious. The rest of the time, not so much.

Take bedtime, for example. That is when she launches into her stalling routine. Her comedic timing gets sloppy and she resorts to being the Eddie Murphy of the toddler world.

And then he did a poopie! And it was a big poopie! And he was a poopie head! And his head was stinky! Because it had poopie on it!

Real highbrow humor at our house after 7:30, let me tell you.

Those People

We have a slight suspicion that we are becoming the Those People of our neighborhood. We find ourselves to be wonderfully friendly, it is just the little people of our family that are bringing our score down.

Neighbor to Scott: What's your dog's name?

Scott: Cooper

Neighbor: Oh, we've been calling him Bob. For Bob Barker.

Ahhhh....