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Monday, September 26, 2011

You Know It's Time To Leave The Hospital When...

1. You have the hospital menu memorized.

2. You find yourself talking to the crow - more than once - that lands on the roof, which is the view from your window. And he has a name.

3. Your doctor calls to ask, and I quote, Is my patient STILL pregnant?!?

4. You hit a new low. You watched 5 minutes of Geraldo before you realized what you were doing and made yourself change the channel.

5. You also bawled your eyes out while you watched the episode of Friends where Rachel gives birth. But then again you bawled your eyes out at Medium. And yes, I watched that too.

6. Your 5 year old can lead the way to your hospital room.

7. You are 100 minutes over on your cell phone and your cycle date doesn't end until October 6th.

8. You have become waaaay too skilled at taking a shower while sitting down and holding your IV arm outside of the shower curtain.

9. Your belly lists to the left when you stand up because you spend all day lying on your left side. Hopefully someday it will go back.

10. You find yourself asking questions of visitors like, What does the outside feel like? and Did you eat any good food last night?

I'm busting out tomorrow! The nurses have literally taken bets as to how soon I'll be back so we should be meeting these two by the end of this upcoming weekend... if not tomorrow. The doctor stopped labor again this past Saturday so that was the THIRD time my body tried to evict its tenants. I'm thinking it's trying to tell us something. Posting might be pretty spotty for a bit but we'll definitely post on here when the babies come. Can't wait! :-)

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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Dating My Husband

This hospital stay has been good for my marriage. Well, sort of... In one definite way it has. I talk way more to Scott from the hospital than I do at home. Make that Scott talks way more about detail-ish things to me.

So far we have chatted through TV commercials while watching the same show. At home we would have just fast forwarded. I also realized that yesterday, on the phone, I actually got a lengthy answer to How was your day?

Here is my new plan of attack. When I finally bust out of this place, I am going to go upstairs each evening with my cell phone. I'll call Scott downstairs and ask him how things went at work and then I can actually find out! I think I might be on to something!

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A Visit From Ana

Banana came to see me in the hospital on yesterday. Clearly she had dictated the morning's accessories because she was dressed in navy and red, with a pink flower headband. We had a great visit, other than my stomach getting bumped, patted, and squashed multiple times in the course of the hour.

On her way out the door we had the following exchange:

Mommy, you can keep my headband. It will remind me of me.

It will remind me of me?

No, of me.

Oh, you mean it will remind me of you.


That's very thoughtful. Look, this is how I will sleep tonight (pantomime cuddling with the headband)

Never mind. (snatches it back) It will remind me of you. No, I know - it will remind me of me.

The world clearly does not revolve around this child...

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Timing Is Everything

Dear Doctors and Nurse,

I realize that you are used to talking about various bodily functions all day long, and that these things probably no longer phase you, but I assure you that this is not necessarily true of my visitors.

Therefore, it was a bit awkward - ALL THREE TIMES - when you came in and talked about my intestinal distress and the lovely sample that you took - IN FRONT OF TWO DIFFERENT GUESTS.

I particularly liked your expressive use of language, Nurse, when you remarked at how quickly I must have "blasted that sample out" because you didn't have to wait very long. I am also thankful that you didn't come in to discuss these things with me when the REVEREND from Ana's little preschool was visiting. As Ana would say - Aw-kward!!

In the future, should you want to discuss these types of things with me, maybe you could use a code phrase so that I know to tell my guests that they might want to step into the hall, allowing them to avoid pretending that they actually wanted to check out the ceiling. Maybe we could use the phrase "beef tacos" as I am still not convinced that Wednesday's beef taco night was not what set this off. It would also enable my husband not to practically asphixiate on his own saliva as he laughs so hard.

Thankfully I seem to like to tell my embarrassing moments in a very public way anyway, and the two guests that you shared such riveting information with are very good sports, but I do think you might want to review your policy on such matters.


Your Patient

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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Pretend Play

My big girl is getting a warped view of the whole childbirth process as a result of this hospital stay. She told me over the phone what she and her dolly were up to:

Mom, my baby just won't stay in my belly! She is driving me crazy!

Oh yeah?

Yeah. I have to stay at the hop-sital because she keeps trying to swim out of here. Settle down, baby! I'm like, awk-ward.

What do the doctors say?

They say I have to stay in the bed and watch TV so the baby stays in me.

Oh, so it's the TV that does it?

Yeah. Cartoons.

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Monday, September 19, 2011

Tattling On Daddy

Scott decided to watch a movie at home with Ana to kill some of the single parent time that he has lots of these days. Ana was not pleased with any of the choices he gave her, but as he was flipping channels she spotted a Scooby Doo movie starting and said she wanted only that.

Scott told her that we don't watch Scooby Doo because it's too scary and Mommy wouldn't like her to watch it either, but apparently she was very persuasive. He felt encouraged that she watched the whole thing without covering her eyes once and thought that he might be in the clear. That was until they called me from the car on the way to the hospital to visit:

Mommy! I watched a scary movie! I'm sorry!

Ana, don't tell Mommy that. Way to rat me out.

Mommy! I watched a scary movie and now I'm going to have nightmares!

Oh, great. Thanks, Ana.

Oh no! I'm having one right now!

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Saturday, September 17, 2011


Well, the little bitties have stayed put and I haven't needed anymore drugs, which has been a relief. We have heard from insurance and now have a plan for how to proceed.

I will stay until a week from this upcoming Wednesday (36 weeks) and then they will send me home. The act of going home will probably start things up again so I'll just come right back in and deliver. Of course, I could deliver sometime in the next 12 days making this little plan irrelevant, but the big goal is to hang on until this upcoming Wednesday so that we avoid an automatic NICU stay. At the rate things are going, I think that we will have no problem meeting that goal, but clearly I am in charge of NOTHING here, so I don't want to say that too loudly so that these little people don't decide to prove otherwise.

So far brother still moves around like a fish, both babies heartbeats are strong, and apparently they like contractions because instead of their heartbeats dipping, they actually spike - "The babies get excited when you contract!" Lovely... they already like to torture their mother...

On another note, trying to paint your fingernails while your legs are being massaged by compression stockings will only result in disaster, unless you were going for an Impressionist effect. And, it turns out, the beef tacos are not a good choice either. Pray for me - lunch is beef stew. Good times.

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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Notes From The Hospital...

1. If you think you are in labor and are scrambling to run out the door, check that what you thought was Chapstick that you threw into your bag is in fact Chapstick. If you are like me, you might discover that you brought a glue stick. I'm sure Scott would give a thumbs up to its use during football games, but it is not effective for softening the lips while on bedrest.

2. If your dinner choice is beef tacos or seafood plate, the obvious choice is beef tacos. In my opinion, ordering the seafood plate is just asking to be sent to the hospital, which is counter-productive as you are already there.

3. If you ask your husband to bring you some big t-shirts and shorts to wear while in bed, you might want to be a little more specific about the shorts thing. If you are like me, you will end up with 5 pairs of men's boxers. Very comfortable at home and generous of said husband to share, but not too respectable when you are entertaining visitors.

4. It is possible to Keep Up Waaaaay Too Much With The Kardashians.


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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Baby Drama

Hi All,

Here is an update on things around here. Not funny, but definitely informative.

Friday morning I was having contractions and was told to head on in to labor and delivery. Sure enough, they were real contractions, but because of the surgery I had back in April, it's impossible ever to tell if I am dilating. So, since the babies were 33 weeks at that point, they decided to try to stop things. Magnesium IVs and steroid shots in my legs to mature their lungs and all settled down. I was released Sunday evening to go home on bedrest.

Sunday night things started up again and got progressively painful and regular on Monday so I called in to see if it was normal (wishful thinking). They told me to head back in to labor and delivery. Last night I got a painkiller in the bum, a shot to relax my muscles in the arm, and some serious loopy juice in my IV. Things have settled down again. I am still contracting, but it is less regular and less painful.

The general plan is that we will try to keep the babies in as long as possible. Everyone here says that I am farther along for twins than a lot of people make it, which is reassuring b/c I for one was not ready this early! Also, they said they are a good size, with strong heartbeats, and they are active. All great things, but may be also contributing to the contractions. The little ones are 35 weeks next Wednesday (according to my docs). If we can make it that far, they won't have to go to NICU if they are healthy enough - or if they do go, they might be able to come home with us when we go home - again, if they are healthy enough.

My doc said her gut feel is that I will deliver sometime this week, although we will wait and see how long we can push it. Pretty much it will come down to the narcotics being able to hold back the contraction pains enough for me to keep taking it (fun prospect!). I will say, though, that things have majorly quieted down in here this a.m., so I'm envisioning a scenario in which I live in the hospital for the next three weeks. Yikes!! Bottom line is, the longer we can cook the babies, the better. I just also feel for my little lady at home who worried this morning that "Mommy might never come home." :-(

So, for sanity's sake, I might be posting on here, or I might be MIA. When the babies do come, we'll let everyone know. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family around here that are keeping us company, packing my bag, taking Ana to and from school, and just making this time less stressful/scary and more bearable.


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Friday, September 9, 2011

You Know You're Pregnant With Twins If...

1. You have to cut the bands of your maternity underwear so that you can still put them on.

2. People have been saying things like, "I predict that this will be the meal that'll do it," and, "You are enormous!" for about a month now.

3. The only pajamas that fit you are your husband's t-shirts and boxers, and even that's pushing it.

4. You wake yourself up snoring at least 3 times a night.

5. Your daughter tells you that you have no lap left, yet that doesn't stop her from trying to sit on the tiny real estate that is your knees or from falling off.

6. Your latest hot look is the compression stocking with flip-flops. It goes well with the new minivan.

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Thursday, September 8, 2011


Dinnertime has turned into a battle at our house. It is no fun for anyone these days. Banana and I sat down to have a little chat about it to figure out how we could make things go a little more smoothly. I don't think I will be using her suggestions.

Ana, it seems like you are having a hard time at dinner lately.


Let's think of some things we can do together to help it not be a hard time for you. It's not fun for you, me, or Daddy.


I think you could help me put the napkins on the table, so then you can see that soon we will be eating.


Maybe you could even help me with cooking a little bit. I would like your company and then you will not be surprised by the food.


Do you have any ideas?


Okay, let's hear them.

I think we could just eat candy.

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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me?

Yesterday was Ana's 5th birthday, so Scott and I took her out to dinner to celebrate. Apparently she was inspired by the "Happy Birthday" song that came with her ice cream because she decided to craft her own version for me:

Happy Birthday to Old Mom (and yes, she meant old as in age)
Happy Birthday to Old Mom
Happy Birthday to Old-Mom
Happy Birthday, you're stinky

That kid. If I didn't love her so much, I just might sit on her.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Due Date

I have to remember that little kids can be so literal and that they can stew on something for weeks before bringing it up.

To give Ana a frame of reference for when the babies would come I had told her, First you will turn five and then the babies will come.

My lady was opening presents on Saturday and paused to ask the following:

So, first I open these presents and then the babies will come out?

Lord, I hope I am that relaxed right before delivery! She was more than a tad bit disappointed when I told her we had to go into October before they would come. One of these days I'm going to figure this parenting thing out. Probably the day before she heads off to college...

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Monday, September 5, 2011

Ana's Going Into Business

Ana has been playing with a birthday gift - a little pretend beauty set - that includes a straightener, blow dryer, curling iron, lipstick, perfume, and a brush. Miraculously enough, the curling iron converts to a nail polish bottle at the salon operator's press of a button, allowing the fun to go on for even longer. We have all been subjected to new hairdos, lipstick and black or pink nail polish. Even Cooper the dog has not been exempt.

Ana, what's the name of your salon?

Hmmm.... My salon is called Beauty Doesn't Exist.

I asked her why we should even bother coming if that was the name, but she didn't have much of an answer for that. I believe her actual answer was No, you didn't rub your lips together right. Your lipstick is not on all the way. Rub! Rub!

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Saturday, September 3, 2011

I'm Seeing 20/20 - ish

Ana is definitely the girl you want to bring along with you when you go to the optometrist. I hate squinting at the little letters, guessing, A C, no maybe an O, or maybe a D. I'm always blinking frantically and rubbing at my eyes as if that is a good way to improve my vision. It works somewhat, but how useful is that? Is that a red light up ahead or a green? (blink, blink, blink, rub, rub). Oops, yes, it was definitely red. Oh well, better luck next time. I'll blink and rub harder. Maybe even start the rubbing sooner.

At any rate, I was blinking and rubbing away when my girl walked up to the screen and pointed at the offending letter - Hey! There's an N! That's in my name!

Thanks, Chickie :-)

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Friday, September 2, 2011

Ana Is Not Bilingual

I have been relying a little too heavily on Dora these past days leading up to the start of preschool. The freakishly large headed cartoon girl teaches planning, friendship, and map skills. At least that's how I justify using Dora to take a nap.

As a result of our Dora dates, Ana has become very interested in Spanish. She loves to ask about words and try them out herself. Great when I am involved in the translation process, less so when I have no clue what is going on.

Ana, what shirt do you want to wear?




What is that?

I'm telling you in Spanish what shirt I want to wear. Kaleekeekana.

Can we try English?

No. That means no in Spanish.

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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Apparently Ana Needs To Shave

Hey Mom, can I use your deodorant and not my pretend deodorant? (Yes, she has pretend deodorant)

I don't think you need it, Baby.

Yes I do. I have some fur under my arms too.

I hope she was referring to Scott's underarms and not mine...

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